Busy, busy

I still couldn't sleep and it is almost 5:30 A.M. Sigh. I look over and I see my sleeping husband and baby next to me. My other 2 kids are in their room sleeping too. So quiet and peaceful.

I just don't get a lot of alone time nowadays, so sometimes I stay up late so I could hear myself think and savor the solitude. Maybe it is a bad habit, because I usually feel tired the next day, but I can't help it. From morning till night I have the baby firmly nestled in my arms (except when I cook or clean, then she will be with her dad) and my other two girls are usually around me as well. I love being with them, don't get me wrong, but alone-mama time is something I need too.

I like to read and just listen to myself think at times like this. Believe me, with 3 little kids, it can be difficult to talk to another adult in the same room, much less hear yourself think. Kids are really loud and I expect them to be loud. That goes on all day.

So I really like the quietness during my alone time. I don't really get to go out on my own alone, so this should do for now. I will admit I am sometimes guilty of not looking after myself as much as I should. I do a lot of caring for others all the time, but I forget myself. My husband sometimes would remind me that I matter too, and I would feel a little embarrassed, like I shouldn't ever be taking a break, but he is right. I won't be able to take care of others and run our household if I don't take care of my needs too. Of course he does all he can for me, and I am forever grateful to him for being such a great family man.

Oh, mommies and their ever present guilt. We really should be kinder to ourselves and not beat ourselves up if we do acknowledge that we also have needs. We are just human.

But I just love my babies so much I would do anything for them. Just looking at them smile makes me so happy. I want the world for them and try to provide them with whatever best I can manage. I never did understand that feeling till they came into my life. The way I think of them first before everything else, including myself. I am not being some sort of martyr or Mrs. Perfect Mama, but it just comes from the heart. Hubby and I are just so, so glad we have them.

One day they will move out, live on their own, get married. Isn't it our goal as parents, to raise our kids to become well-adjusted, independent adults? Yes, it is. But I will look back and miss their childhood. Just want them to grow up with that freedom of thought, and the reassurance that we are here for them no matter what, and they are very loved.

It is supposed to be my alone time and I STILL think of my kids! Sigh. Loving thoughts though.